UPDATE

Hi to the cunts that have been waiting for a update here it is, to my friends well Hi everyone it's been a long time since I have updated my blog. Life just became to busy to steal a minute to update this little blog.

New Developments.

Well we moved into a new house a nice 3 bedroom ensuite, garage the works. The girls finally have there own bedrooms so piece has ascended on the girls well to a small degree anyway. The wife stopped working abotu a week before we moved in (moved in 1 September 2011) A few weeks before we were talking and doing the budget and I came to the decision why must she spend 12 hours away from home for the tuppence they pay her so as a family we handed her a "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD" meaning she can quit whenever she wants and we will back her up 100%.

Now the girls has their mom at home when the return from school, I don't have to rush home from work and start cooking. So all in all a win win for everyone involved.

Christmas plans

Last year a revolution was started when I updated my BLOG with my Xmas plan, so lets not disappoint.

Well this year I am planning to have a traditional xmas , I have invited my father and mother in law. We are going to lay the tables in the garage with a buffet the works my mom would have loved it. I want roast pork, roast lamb, gammon, curry yellow rice with roast potatoes, a stew of some kind. I wish I could ask my aunty Stella cause she makes the best fruit curry damn it would bring back memories like crazy but I am not sure if we can handle everyone nor do I think my budget can handle everyone.

So to all my friends I hope you all have a fantastic xmas and all your plans comes true. Watch out for more update soon

My Birthday

So I am turning 42 today and this is the 1st birthday without my mom. It has become a tradition for me to see my mom on my birthday even when I lived in Strand she drove all the way to come wish me and bring a small gift.

I am not huge on birthdays. I don't see the sense in an adult making a fuss of their birthday it's after all just another day. This year however it has me all sentimental all of this cause my mom is no longer with me.

Her passing has had such a huge effect on my, it's difficult to explain to someone who has not lost a mother that has been such a integral part of your life. When I look back all I can see is place where my mom was now when I look in the future is the gaps thats left because she will not be there.

Nikita will finish school soon and the whole matric ball and party will not have the Babsie stamp on it, Dharma will be going to confirmation also soon and her confirmation party will also not have my moms unmistakable brand on it.

She was the kind of woman that had a certain effect on anything she was involved in.

Since that day I lost her I have still not gone to her grave, they buried her ashes next to my brother, I say THEY cause nobody asked me or involved me in the decision. From the day she passed I have felt locked out. All the arrangements were made by hell knows.

Now here I sit 42 years old no mom it totally fucking sucks. My career seems to be taking off, my family is back together again and we are making moves to improve our situation. Still I feel not complete.

It's hard to get my head around the fact that I don't have her around to bounce things off, ask for advice or just go pop around and say and raid the fridge. As old as I am she always had something for me whether it was a helping of her famous triffle or a slice of milk tart there was always something.

She was old school lived for her kids and went through so much now Lloyd and myself are left without a mom. I know she is in a better place cause she was not a christian only on a Sunday she was a TRUE New Apostolic Christian she lived the whole deal.

On this day of my 42nd Birthday al I want is ONE more visit from my mom or even a phone call. Just to hear her voice or see her face would be the perfect gift for me.

I love you mommy and miss you so much. MWAH

Latest Bull Shit on my mind

I think I need to clarify something. I ended my previous post with a rather LARGE statement. I must make something VERY clear. I did not break up with my ex girlfriend because I found out she has slept with my brother.

I have known about it for almost a year if I was in love with her maybe I would've kicked up a fuss. She had a ONE NIGHT stand with my brother after we had broken up we got back together and I really could not give a fuck who she fucked while we were apart.

What I have an issue with is that she went around Cape Town telling everyone that would listen that she did. It's okay to date a whore, whats not okay is when all your mates know that she is one.

I want to know what kind of person tells my best mates new girlfriend the night that they meet that "Oh by the way I fucked his brother" What kind of conversation does the subject come up ?

So NO I did not freak out and had a jealous rage when hearing about her fucking my brother. I freaked out and dumped the silly bitch when I wound out that she was telling everyone with an ear that she did. It was kinda embarrassing. In the same way it will be when you are dating a prostitute and you know it and you are really okay with it as long as your mates don't know cause they might not be so open minded about the whole thing.

Anyway That is all I have to say about that.

So a lot has changed since I last updated my BLOG.

I dumped my girlfriend; I just found it was too much to be with someone that I was not really in love with. You can lie to yourself only for so long then you have to admit that things are not working out. That and the fact that the way she reacted to my last blog update made it clear that she was a selfish, immature, needy & really disturbed person and the less I have to do with her the better for me and my kids.

Those 2 girls of mine went through a lot the past few months. The divorce and not having a decent place to live has put a huge strain on them. Even after all that has happened the 11 and 16 year olds seem to somehow still push on and managed to pass their respective grades at school.

After the passing of my mom, I made a concerted effort to repair the damaged relationship between the ex-wife and myself. I came to the realisation that what we had was solid. I was the one who messed it all up. I looked beyond our marriage and for excitement. I found this but not the connection and love I had. So the end of January the girls and my ex-wife moved in with me and we got remarried in February 3^rd.

Now for the strange lash back. I have many “friends” and family that was quite okay with me screwing around and having one huge party when I was cheating on my wife and even after the divorce. Now that I have done the RIGHT thing for my family and myself I am getting something weird. Some of the friends have become friends with the ex-girlfriend. As my friends and family I don’t expect them to defriend her or reject her but what I don’t expect is for them to give me a hard fucking time because I have corrected my wrongs, got my family back on track. Who the fuck are they to judge or even to have an opinion.

Here is the way I see it. If I was on the other hand of this situation I would not have an opinion at all. Every man has to make decisions for them and do what right for THEM. So here is my advice to those who does not know all the facts.

I dumped her because I was not in love with her. I dumped her because she is a fucking idiot. Why would I want to stay with someone that fucked my brother and ran around town telling everyone she did? I don’t mind that she is a whore I do mind that she tells everyone she is and expect me to be okay with it.

Ravings of a MAD GENIUS

Now I don't pretend to be the worlds leading authority on men, BUT I am a man and that gives me a insight into the psyche of the average MAN. Well maybe average is not the correct word. I don't think there is a a AVERAGE man.

Lots of woman think they know what men want, think and how to keep them happy. Just as many many men think they know what woman want, think and how to keep them happy. ALL BULLSHIT. Every woman is an individual. Not any two woman can reach orgasm the same way so there are no one way to keep them happy. Men are NO different except in one case. Reaching orgasm, this to the male species are generally all the same. No matter what you do to the penis is will end up in orgasm. Hahahahaha.

Well back to serious issues. The biggest misconception woman has is that men want to be taken care of like there mothers used too. NO we don't, the love affair we have with our mothers can and will never be replaced with the fussing of another woman. There is a unique bond between mother and son. She is the 1st woman we have contact with, from the womb to the grave the bond is strong. Through all the arguments about girls, school and everything else the common thread remains the LOVE between them.

I am a classic example of this. My mom was the rock I build my life, she was the role model I used and tried to live by. Clearly I have failed many times, coming short of the high pedestal I have raised her on. Every woman I have met and will meet will always be compared to her. She had poise, a great cook, baker. she had full command of the English language. She was so bad she have drilled it into me, my kids and every other person in her inner circle that if you are going to use the Queens English do it RIGHT. Grammar was her pet peeve, she once had a argument with the choir director because he wanted the choir to sing the OFTEN (emphasizing the T) which usually is silent in speech. Hahahaha yes she was that obsessed with language. She was just that way, either the right way or NOTHING.

Okay so that is the one myth we don't want a mother we already have / had one and she is PERFECT so don't try to be her.

Another one is that men don't care whether you fake it or not.

Why would we not care? Of-course we care, it's nto only a ego thing but if we are involved with someone we care about we (well maybe I should say "I") want that person enjoy the experience. Sex is the ultimate expression of your feelings for another person. WAIT let me clarify that. SEX & LOVE MAKING. There is a huge difference between those 2 acts.

What is SEX to MEN?

When you are in a pub or a club and you see some very hot girl and the 1st thing that comes to mind is "I would like to take her into the toilet and RAM her till her head bangs the rhino board wall full of dents" that is SEX. It's the animal instinct to insert yourself into her for the pure carnal pleasure.

What is LOVE MAKING to MEN?

Now after the initial quickie in the bathroom, you meet her again and go for dinner and connect on a emotional level. You see eye to eye about most things. You plan a romantic evening with dinner, drinks and then when you get back to the flat you run her a bubble bath (cause you know she likes it). Silk sheets (okay maybe just clean linen will do) two glasses of red wine next to the bed, chocolates, strawberries, fresh cream & a bottle of sensual massage oil. You seduce her with all of this and stimulate all her senses then have penetrative sex. That is LOVE MAKING.

Maybe not as much a myth but a warning to any woman that is considering getting into a relationship with a man who has kids.

The offspring of a MAN (note I said a MAN not a sperm donor). Man as a species has since the beginning of time had a special bond with his children. Most men are like me, we know that no matter how much we mess up our kids will forgive us and still love us and no matter what our kids do they remain our greatest gift and the loves of our lives. Don't ever get in between a father and his children. It's a recipe for disaster, no matter what when a father is faced with a choice of the happiness of his children and the happiness of anybody else 100% of the time he will choose his kids. A foot note to this NEVER bad mouth the mother of those kids either. You must remember that at one stage this man loved that woman and that love produced those children. So forever and a day he will always have a special place in his heart for the mother of his children. (do you see the common thread here ? MOTHER). When you bad mouth the mother he sees you disrespecting the MOTHER of his children. His children are part of that woman. So DON'T maybe it's just me but I find it in bad taste. (don't get me wrong he the father can talk smack about her all he wants I mean he lived with her for years hahahahaha)

Time of change

2010 is officially the worst year of my life. During the past few months I have gone through the most troubling time in my life and it all culminated in the loss of my mom on 8 October 2010. That morning started just like every other morning except I was not planning on going to work that day. My bearings failed on the rear wheels the day before and I was going to have it fixed the next day.

At 06h30 I received a sms from my mom informing me that her sister passed away during the night. I jumped out of bed and rushed to her side. The Sunday before my mom attended a family lunch a distant cousin had in celebration of Thanksgiving. Just before leaving she tripped and fell and bruised her rib. This caused her great pain and discomfort; she went to the doctor and hospital. They both informed her there was nothing to do but take pain tablets and it will heal itself.

When I saw her that morning she was in great physical and emotional pain at the loss of her sister. I tried comforting her and giving words of encouragement.

I left after spending a hour there and got my car fixed. Later the afternoon my dad called me and informed me that my mom collapsed and they called the ambulance. I again rushed to her side. OMG she looked so tired and worn like I have never seen her before. I spoke to her and asked her to hang on about 30 minutes later I heard her shouting "Ek kan nie meer nie" damn she was in so much pain. I ran from my brother’s room to her side and she started convulsing. Her face twisted and contorted like I have never seen any persons face before. Her tongue was forced out of her mouth and she let go of her bowels and somehow I knew that was it.

I spent the last week before she passed away with her every evening after work. I popped in to make sure she was feeling okay. I really feel blessed I could.

Now the passing of my mom has brought me a lot of grief. I deal with it day by day and it seems it gets worse by the day. In the past month or so I have found myself drawing closer to my ex-wife. Maybe it’s the need to for familiar faces, a chance to get close with my kids and family. I miss them so damn much.

Losing the MOST important person in your life your MOM is a huge loss. I have lashed out at my girlfriend because I feel that somehow being with her pulled me away from my mom and on a level it did. Mom never approved or liked my girlfriend (for no specific reason) mom just believed in being with someone the rest of your life. I got divorced and this weighed heavily on her, she never made space for another woman in my life except my ex-wife because the kids come in the package. Mom loved my kids endlessly. She spoiled them and then got angry cause they so spoiled. A greater mom or grandma could not be found.

Here I stand a few days before Xmas and I have made the choice to not celebrate Xmas with my girlfriend but with my ex-wife and kids. After everything that happened this year DIVORCE my mom passing away. I want something familiar I want to spend Xmas with MY family. I want to see the smile of my kids when we surprise them with Xmas in Kirstenbosch. I want them to be surrounded by people they know & love, not being in someone else house celebrating Xmas with people they hardly know or worse stuck in a 1 bedroom separate entrance having fried chicken or something boring.

I want them to have a great Xmas the way we had before all the shit hit the fan.

Before my mom picked up MY slack and I have a lot. This year she is not around to pick up anybody’s slack. Time to step up, be the man she always wanted me to be, be the father she knew I could be. Time to be the SON she brought me up to be

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? 

Divorce

So June 7th I finally got divorced. This has been a long process and at one time got very fucking nasty (on my side) I wanted it so bad and when the wife put a few speed bumps in the road I lost it. Not "lost it" as in raising my hand. That shit don't play on my TV fuck that.

Well like I said it's over now. There is ONE small problem tho. I met my wife 15 March 1986 got married Nov 1992 & divorced June 2010.

I think I have to explain that I was fucking major in love with her for the 1st few years. She was all I could think of, all I lived for. After my eldest daughter was born things changed, I still loved her but I lived for the little bundle we brought home from Chris Barnard Memorial Hospital(for City Park Hosp).

Now years later I am dating a super nice woman, divorced and father of 2 gorgeous girls. I am doing everything I should (pay the alimony etc). I have found myself missing my kids (they live with her) but more strange is I miss HER. The woman that I divorced, the mother of my kids, the woman I cheated on hundreds of times while married to NOW I fucking miss all those annoying damn things. the constant talking while watching movies, talking while well fucking talking ALL THE TIME. I miss that.

I might still be in love with her? That is so fucked up I cannot even understand it myself. She still annoys me. I still cannot see myself living in the same house with her BUT and yes there is always a BUT I MISS HER.

I am dating a nice woman (and here is goes again) BUT she is needy. I am not sure I can handle needy. I need her to be independent, I need her to be able to go and not need me as much as she do. I don't miss her cause she is always fucking around. Weekends she spends with me (by the way I like it that she is there BUT) I like it when she leaves and I have the place to myself again. I need the space to try and build a new life. Find a balance between dating, including my daughters in my life and WORK.

How can I let her understand that YES I like having her around BUT I also need to have my space. I have lived with someone else for almost HALF my life and now I just wanna have as much space as problem without having a girlfriend hovering ALL the time.

Who ever said that you HAVE TO SEE YOUR GIRLFRIEND every fucking day? Why can't I just date someone that goes about there life and include me every now and again NOT every damn minute?