My Birthday

So I am turning 42 today and this is the 1st birthday without my mom. It has become a tradition for me to see my mom on my birthday even when I lived in Strand she drove all the way to come wish me and bring a small gift.

I am not huge on birthdays. I don't see the sense in an adult making a fuss of their birthday it's after all just another day. This year however it has me all sentimental all of this cause my mom is no longer with me.

Her passing has had such a huge effect on my, it's difficult to explain to someone who has not lost a mother that has been such a integral part of your life. When I look back all I can see is place where my mom was now when I look in the future is the gaps thats left because she will not be there.

Nikita will finish school soon and the whole matric ball and party will not have the Babsie stamp on it, Dharma will be going to confirmation also soon and her confirmation party will also not have my moms unmistakable brand on it.

She was the kind of woman that had a certain effect on anything she was involved in.

Since that day I lost her I have still not gone to her grave, they buried her ashes next to my brother, I say THEY cause nobody asked me or involved me in the decision. From the day she passed I have felt locked out. All the arrangements were made by hell knows.

Now here I sit 42 years old no mom it totally fucking sucks. My career seems to be taking off, my family is back together again and we are making moves to improve our situation. Still I feel not complete.

It's hard to get my head around the fact that I don't have her around to bounce things off, ask for advice or just go pop around and say and raid the fridge. As old as I am she always had something for me whether it was a helping of her famous triffle or a slice of milk tart there was always something.

She was old school lived for her kids and went through so much now Lloyd and myself are left without a mom. I know she is in a better place cause she was not a christian only on a Sunday she was a TRUE New Apostolic Christian she lived the whole deal.

On this day of my 42nd Birthday al I want is ONE more visit from my mom or even a phone call. Just to hear her voice or see her face would be the perfect gift for me.

I love you mommy and miss you so much. MWAH